How I Overcome Pornography Addiction

I lived with this addiction for more than 10 years which included a few more years of battling away this 21st century drug. How i get into pornography was a long story and it was kind of silly due to how easy i got hooked into this world of fantasy.

During secondary school days, i would often hear the other guys talking about this taboo subject on porn, they mentioned about beautiful ladies and i grew curious. After i got my first desktop at age 13, i googled on the word 'porn' when i got the opportunity and there it goes, opening a world of fantasy which i couldn't have in real life, twisted my innocent mind into mindless lust and a lot of my freetime was spent doing the deed while watching those clips. This craziness carried on for the next coming years because i need a place to escape reality because the more i watch, the less time was spent socializing and the less i socialized, the more awkward and lonely i become, vicious cycle also weakened my emotional control, making me someone who was difficult to interact with, making me even more lonely which made me consume even porn to escape pain.

My path of not consuming porn totally was a tough battle, i did stop and relapsed a few times and what made me felt more guilty was that after my grandma passed away when i was 19 and my near brush with death at the age of 20, i thought i had quit for good on both occasions but after a few months i relapsed. Eventually, after my National Service, i went into a very serious mode of quitting porn for the next few years because somewhere in my mind was telling me that i'm reaching adulthood right now and better not screw-up my life and man up but i encountered lots of trials along the way.

So before i start my journey of quitting porn addiction, i need to know my own symptoms, and for me, my symptoms for porn addiction were as followed:

  • Whenever i am free, i browsed those xxx sites
  • Whenever i am stressed, i browsed those xxx sites
  • I looked at women differently like they were objects, no feelings, just lust
  • Began to feel frustrated when i couldnt have a chance to surf those xxx sites
  • Felt that the world of porn fantasy was way better than socializing in real life
  • I couldn't focus and set goals for my life because porn is my primary goal to numb my pain

This is the most important step, because you need to acknowledge you had symptoms of porn addiction, self-realization is needed to take place before you start to heal yourself.

I started to learn from the nofap community, it did helped a little but i relapsed a few times, i found it very hard to control that porn urge so i seek alternate options. I began to create a daily routine schedule like morning and evening runs, practice singing during mid-day but in between those breaks, i would sometimes succumbed to my world of fantasy. I knew i hadn't achieved of not watch porn completely but i was making progress. However, i did not gave up and continuously forgave myself for relapsing and it was this self-compassion open up my heart and i began to feel again from the inside.

I began to practice meditation, sign up for singing classes, joined volunteering and a few music community groups which organized performances and so i got myself even busied. I began to find my newfound passion in music and the time gap between my relapses widen. I saw the people, within the new communities i had joined, had started their own family and looking very happy, and i started a very deep self-reflection and thought, "What if after having a wife and our own children, would they suffer terribly because i'm still addicted to porn and i'm gonna ruin their lives? What kind of father am i going to portray from my children's point of view?" Those thoughts alone further my desire and strengthen my willpower to overcome my porn addiction and today my mind is free, i no longer treat women as objects and able to nurture friendships with opposite sex and i feel i could have a healthy romantic relationship when the time comes.

What i understood from my experience was that sex is a natural thing and even having sex with your romantic partner about everyday is normal but porn addiction is different, it disconnect you from human touch, it disconnect you from real life, it takes away your time and disrupt your lifestyle completely, it's the same as other kinds of addiction, it wants you to live and breathe with it.

On a final note to anyone out there trying to break free from this 21st century drug, the first most important step is to acknowledge you had porn addiction symptoms, then figure out why you needed porn, why you need to fill the empty space in your heart, then you need to take full responsibility for your addiction but at the same time, practice self-compassion by forgiving yourself as many times as you can. Once you understand yourself better, your journey of quitting and becoming a mind-healthy human again is on the horizon. Keep fighting!

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